Twisting the Knife Chp 25: Still Here

Old Survey Corps Headquarters, Levi and Saskia’s Bedroom, 7:02 PM

“I just want to be sure. What if, what if we cannot prove either guilt or innocence and she’s detained? You know what happens to young women in prison…”

“I do, and considering the person in question I don’t give two shits about what happens to her. I want her head on a pike.”

“You’re impossible…First Mikasa, now Annie. Is everyone guilty until proven innocent?!”

“Yes!”

“…this is going nowhere.” Shoulders slumping as she sat on the bed, Saskia kicked off her boots, and tossed her jacket aside. “All I’m taking away from this delightful exchange is a sore throat. And seeing as we can’t keep using the ‘Saskia was told to watch him by the medical staff’ excuse forever either we change the subject and stay mildly frustrated with each other or say our goodnights now and go to bed angry.” She began untying her straps but had minor difficulty because of how miserably tangled they were. “How do I end up like this…? I’m really starting to amaze myself with how often this happens. Yes, I’ve definitely outdone myself this time.”

“Tch. I don’t know if I should be impressed or disappointed.” Levi shoved her hands aside and bent down towards her, one by one untying the straps from the waist up. “Clearly you’re a lost cause.” Condescending as he sounded it was a front for everything he had been suppressing since the expedition’s failure.

“So I’ve been told…I didn’t intend on causing such a stir, truly I did not, but Mikasa was starting to- Levi?” She looked down and saw his hands still holding her straps but no longer untying them. Now they were shaking.

“Do I want to find the person responsible…or am I just desperately looking for someone to blame?” That morning aside, she hadn’t heard him use such a pathetic, sullen tone in six years.

“If you wanted someone to blame you would’ve taken out your anger on Eren. You would not have told him he had nothing to apologize for. Or Erwin for positioning everyone the way he did. Or me for not having been there in typical General Saskia fashion. Or yourself, as the leader of the squad. These stupid straps can wait. Talk to me, as you said you would.”

“What more is there to say?” he choked. “You saw it too. Briefly, but you saw it.”

“I said ‘talk to me’.” She rose to her feet. “But nowhere did I make mention of a stipulation that it must be verbal.” Six years of knowing him did nothing to remove the initial surprise of seeing how timid, skittish, and withdrawn he appeared in moments such as this. He was like a cross between an injured woodland creature and a feral alley cat; if not approached gently and reassuringly he was quick to bring out the claws in self-defense. She started by removing his carefully interwoven fingers from the half-unbuckled strap that ran horizontally along her upper chest. As soon as her warm fingertips barely grazed his cold, pale hands they immediately retracted. She internally cursed for moving too quickly only to find herself pulled into an almost crushing embrace. Arms around her waist, hands locked near the middle of her back, and face buried in the curve of her neck Levi finally began to let out everything he had been holding in since that morning. He cried a little when they exchanged their long overdue confessions after returning from the expedition but that was an overwhelming mess of emotions from across the spectrum. This was unadulterated mourning.

She was slow in her movement to return the embrace and the moment she did she was jerked forward when his hands moved upwards, tightly gripping her shoulders. It was a nonverbal way of saying he was terrified of losing his hold on her in even the slightest or he ran the risk of losing her altogether; any third party observer would see him using all his strength to possessively imprison her while in truth he was mustering what little strength he could to cling to the only person he had left. He hated the feeling of being reliant on another for any sense of security and stability, but that feeling only served as a reminder of how greatly he needed it. It wasn’t a sign of weakness, even if it felt that way, because he knew it took far more courage to show vulnerability and was nowhere near as exhausting as the never-ending act of trying to hide it from the rest of the world.

He had always been a man of few words and actions spoke volumes to him. She could go on and on about how eventually everything was going to be alright somehow, how she was there for him no matter what, how he wasn’t to blame and so on, but she might as well be talking to the walls if she did. He knew why she did it, believing that constantly hearing it was not only a reminder but a source of reassurance and comfort. And it was, but he already knew. Telling him time and time again wouldn’t reinforce the point or make him believe it any more than he already did. They were both aware of the difference between knowing and feeling and while her verbal reminders let him know it, her surprising admission that he didn’t need to resort to verbal expression was what allowed him to feel it. She was all he had left, which he could accept as factual the moment the image of his deceased squad members etched itself into his brain. He had thought it to himself numerous times that morning when he demanded she stay with him, but it didn’t transcend the cerebral level. He was incapable of feeling after what he saw, the shock having dulled his senses. Words couldn’t reach him. All day he had been going through the motions, saying and doing what he thought he should if he was actively engaging with the world around him. She didn’t even need to tell him that she loved him, but he did want to opportunity to say it back.

Her way of connecting with other souls and sentient creatures was primarily verbal, complemented by physical gestures. If anything he didn’t want to tell her just so he could finally say it, he wanted to tell her so she could finally hear it. He by no means disbelieved her words but in this suffocating period of emptiness they were lost in the void, nothing more than a string of letters of sounds. Now in recovery mode words scratched the surface. But he needed something tangible, something he could see, something he could physically feel to send a jolt to his core that would fully pull out of his emotionally catatonic state. He had said it was better to be dead than feel dead but to say one ‘feels dead’ while claiming to be ‘numb to the core’ was contradictory. His emotionality didn’t come to a halt nor did it disappear. His ability to feel had been stolen from him, a complete privation that robbed him of a portion of his humanity. In a way he had died on the inside and there were only two ways to bring back the dead- pray for their revival, or break open the coffin and force them out of the grave. Though it was unlike her not to resort to verbal reassurance it was very much in her nature to make sure he was aware that not even death itself could come between them. What she didn’t realize was that in choosing to state words need not be exchanged she was now telling him everything he needed to hear. The resonating of her heartbeat, her unsteady breathing as she tried her damndest not to cry too, and her complete silence were the words he needed from her. And never before had anything sounded so clear.

Now she finally understood what he meant he told her there was nothing she could do or say. There was nothing she could do for him, as the act of mourning was something only he himself could do. There was nothing she could say to him, because there were no words that could offer him anything he didn’t already have. He knew she was there, he knew he could trust her to be there, and he knew she loved him. But her physical presence and verbalization couldn’t prove any of that. Letting him come to her and staying quiet while granting him the time to rid his system of this parasitic depressive state proved it. Countless times in the past she thought in forcing it he would be rid of it sooner, but this usually ended with an argument that she saw as a result of his already aggravated state. That only worked when he did it to her. The method wasn’t universal. The most impatient person she knew needed all the patience she could offer, not a ‘we’ll talk later’ and then start a countdown or nothing would change. She might not have known exactly what was running through his mind at the moment, and as much as she wanted to what he felt was far more important to uncover. He wasn’t only letting her know, he was screaming it at her full-force and out of his own volition at that. It was unprecedented and there were fleeting moments where she considered pinching herself to make sure this wasn’t a dream.

It was made apparent through his eyes. They were once recondite storms, the only storm Saskia could ever find both comforting and beautiful, waiting for someone to brave the elements and find the indulgent passion hidden behind the intimidating power. Now there was no storm, no power, and no mystery. But they weren’t empty either. In fact they had never been more passionate before. The intensity of his own anger frightened him. His leg injury was a minor scratch compared to the damage the image of his dead squad had done to his sanity. All the unknown variables working against them had gone from a challenge accepted to an absolute nightmare. The desire for revenge was overwhelming. And for the first time since joining the Survey Corps he didn’t trust himself not to act upon it. Though doing so was a very normal response to such emotional stimuli he didn’t want to be that person again; he knew himself well enough to know that his former self could easily take advantage of his fragile state and resume control. He was the only one who knew he was dangerously close to that breaking point but the thought had crossed her mind. Her suspicions were confirmed by the embrace as it served not only to revitalize that spark within, the very same spark she saw in him after they first met, but an attempt to warn her that the spark might cause irrational, explosive behavior on his part. Her warmth rekindled the fire inside him but the embrace itself acted as a restraint of sorts, keeping him from nurturing that flame within by channeling the searing wildfires of Hell itself. The wounds were still open and gaping, and the healing process for such a profound evisceration could take years; with the fresh trauma so deeply embedded its novelty was more a threat than anything else.

You never know how much you have until you lose it. You never know what little you have left until you seek it out. For a brief moment he found himself wondering if what he felt for her wasn’t love at all but a need to keep a tight grip on the only person alive who cared about it so intimately.

844

“Don’t look so damned heartbroken, I’m not calling you repulsive. It’s just different. It’s not you.”

845

“Believe it or not I’m pretty fond of the person you’ve become. But I don’t just want to know that person and vice versa.”

846

“We’ll keep doing what we’ve been doing. I’m not doing anything without you.”

847

“I wish you weren’t the General. Then I would be able to put you on my squad. And that would be enough.”

850

“I hate it when you start torturing yourself over things you have no control over.”

“What more do I have to do to make you understand that you aren’t just blades and a badge?! What more do I have to do to make you realize there’s more to you than being a soldier?! Why do you do this yourself?”

“And the last thing…that I want for you…is to be with someone who can’t see beyond that.”

Levi was without a doubt a man of very few words. And yet he could bring himself to say all of that and then some to her in order to cater to his audience. The very thing she was doing for him right now, which initially caught him off guard but he wouldn’t dare reject. One thing he would never fail to appreciate was her ability to continue to surprise him no matter how much time had elapsed. He felt a slight twinge of guilt for calling his own feelings into question, especially all the work he put into making them known. He suspected himself guilty of starting to shy away from them for fear of becoming attached to the point of being intertwined only to lose that other half but they had both come too far now for anything less.

He could feel her chest tighten and her breath hitch behind gritted teeth. She was cursing quietly. Somehow able to find his voice despite how raw his throat was he managed to weakly mutter, “If you need to cry, just fucking cry.”

Stubbornly she shook her head. “No. I’m not the one who lost my squad.” She cursed again and sniffled quietly. “I’m not supposed to cry right now. Whenever something happens to me, whenever I’m the one who’s a hot mess you never cry. So, so I told myself I wouldn’t since the roles reversed. So…so just shut up and cry, damn it.”

“You’re such an idiot.” He slowly raised his head until his chin was on her shoulder. “If I keep this up I’ll dehydrate. I…I’m done for now. And my leg is killing me.”

“Off your leg, now,” she ordered.

"Yes mother," he sarcastically griped with a soft sniffle.

“You sound like you’re feeling better.” Finally able to crack a smile she murmured, “I’m glad. I…I hate seeing you like this.”

“You won’t need to worry about it for much longer.” With extreme reluctance he loosened his grip on her shoulders, hands slowly trailing down on her back. They slid over her hips and traveled from her stomach up her torso.

“Wh-what are you-?”

Click!

“Taking care of your straps, obviously. What did you think I was doing?” He shook his head, rubbing his eyes with the back of his hand after the final strap came undone. “Tch. Shame on you Saskia. Get your mind out of the gutter.”

“Get your hands off of my chest.”

“Fine.”

“That doesn’t mean put them on my waist.”

“Then you need to be more specific. What about the rest of your straps?”

“I’ll do it myself. Off your leg. Now.”

“Tch. Bossy. Who the hell do you think you are, my superior officer?”

“Even if I still were, you wouldn’t listen to me.” After a good seven minutes or so of struggling to remove the rest of her straps she unbuttoned and slid out of her shirt. Levi, watching the entire time as he took care of his own uniform, couldn’t hide his amusement even if he wanted to. There was a sizable damp spot near the collar of her shirt and Saskia knit her brow, slightly confused by his prior statement upon noticing it. “What did you mean when you said I wouldn’t need to worry about it much longer?” She changed into her sweatpants and sat on what was now her side of the bed, folding her legs beneath her.

He laid his head down in her lap again. After a slight pause he reached up and twirled a strand of her glossy black hair around his finger. “They wouldn’t want that,” he replied quietly.

She remembered the specters she saw on their return to the walls. “I don’t think they would either.”

“Question.” He looked up at her, eyes red and puffy. “Petra told me that the cadets started a betting pool on us. On how long it was going to take.”

“Anyone who put their money on anything other than ‘already established…sort of’ lost. What’s the question?”

“…why me?”

“Would it annoy you if I answer your question with a question?”

“Yes.”

She cupped his cheeks, still moist from earlier, and leaned down to kiss his forehead. “How unfortunate. Why not you?”

“Tch. Cop out.”

“I mean it. Why not you? You were afraid that I could have ended up spending the rest of my life with someone who didn’t even know me, only saw a portion of me. The portion that once defined the entirety of my existence, and yet was so empty and void of a true identity. You’re the only person who noticed that. You’re the only person who tried to bring out the real me. And upon doing so…There was clearly something appealing about what you uncovered. And all the while I was afraid of how easy it was for you to pick me apart and reassemble me like that. But in hindsight, I no longer see it that way for the very same reasons you found my concerns baseless. It all came from me, ultimately. And as scared as I was, there was something very alluring about the idea that there was another person inside of me, an authentic individual. If what I said before about lonely people gravitating towards each other is true, then there was no stopping it. You tried to pull me out, I let myself be pulled by you. It was my choice. You came to me just the same as I did you, courtesy of that gravitational force brewing between us until the inevitable head-on collision we experienced this morning. What say did I have in the matter? And…”

She leaned down and kissed his forehead again, this time keeping her face a few inches above his. A thumb stroking his cheek bone she continued. “And had I not, had I fought it, I can’t say I would regret it. But the only reason I can say that is because I would still be trapped within the pseudo-safety of my isolation…no different than the pseudo-safety of the walls. I would equate my pain with security. I wouldn’t even recognize it as pain. If that pseudo-safety in isolation is analogous to the pseudo-safety of the walls then you, every dimension and facet that totals up the man I fell in love with, is analogous to the freedom and the outside world I’ve dedicated my life to fighting for. Which is funny, in a way, considering that without your intervention I wouldn’t know the meaning of the word ‘freedom’ and I certainly wouldn’t be as dedicated to fighting for the outside world as I am now. The world beyond the walls wouldn’t simply be an object to retrieve, nor something damn near mythical thanks to the old books I’ve found. It’s no longer something I want for humanity as a whole. I want it for myself too. And if, to continue the analogy, you’re the equivalent of the outside world I now want for myself…Then there is nothing in all of existence that I want more than you.” She planted a third kiss, now on the lips, before raising her head and sitting up straight. “Was that a sufficient answer to your question?”

“Didn’t have to be so damn long. But…yeah, sure.”

“Are…you…getting a little flustered?”

“No.”

“If I asked you the same question would you be able to answer it without stumbling over your words?”

“Goodnight.”

“That’s fine. I don’t need an answer to the question. Knowing it is enough. Words aren’t your forte…You’re much better at showing it. Want to know a wonderful way you could show it? Get off me.”

“Bossy.” He lazily rolled over to what was now his side of the bed.

“Says the one who enjoys abusing his authority,” she scoffed as she got under the covers.

“Tch. At least I have authority to abuse,” he smirked.

As much as it pained her to resist retorting it was nearing quarter to ten. “You hush and go to sleep.”

His smirk quickly faded. “I make no promises.”

“I expected as much, and that’s perfectly understandable. I can stay up with you until you do fall asleep. And if you awaken from a nightmare, then wake me up.”

“That’s a promise I will make. But only for tonight. We’re still on the offensive…I can only remain on the sidelines for so long.”

“We’re always on the offensive. Sometimes it isn’t as noticeable because…it’s personal. In a world like this, one where Titans have tried to claim everything that’s rightfully ours…we were born on the offensive. It’s all a matter of…” She yawned and her eyes began to flicker shut. “…whether or not you’re willing to break your restraints…and take up arms…” She was about to nestle into her pillow but found herself snuggling against warm bare skin as Levi pulled her against his chest, arms around her waist.

Wall Sina, Stohess District, Residential Ward, 9:03 PM

“Evening, Luzia. How’s things?” After picking the locked door Kseniya let herself into Luzia Messmann’s home. She was still awake, very anxious as of late and made minimal effort to hide it. The brunette pulled out a chair at her kitchen table and laced her fingers together, resting her elbows on the high-quality furniture. “Never mind, let’s skip the bullshit. You know why I’m here, don’t you? Of course you do. You might be stupid enough to damn near violate your contract but you’re smart enough to know that we’ve figured it out. Have you forgotten all the underlings we have stationed throughout the walls?” Kseniya motioned to the other end of the table. “Come on, don’t be shy. We’re both adults, right? And adults have civil conversations.”

Reluctantly she complied. Saskia, excluding her Oriental facial features and smaller stature, was damn near the spitting image of Luzia Messmann. She had sleek back hair that settled upon her shoulders and vibrant, forest green eyes. She was a little shorter than Kseniya, though the difference was hardly noticeable, and a naturally muscular frame hidden beneath layers of feminine clothing only the wealthy class of Sina could enjoy.

“You’re so quiet. Something to hide?” Kseniya cocked her head to the side. “You’ve been out and about quite recently, haven’t you? Why? Why now? You’ve had plenty of opportunities to try and violate that contract before. Why now?” She took off the standard issue Military Police shotgun slung over her shoulder and rested it against her chair. “Don’t bother lying.”

Luzia rested her arms on the table, nervously tapping her fingertips on the glossy wood. “…I hoped that I could pass through into Wall Rose and see the Survey Corps before their departure this morning. I had no intention of interacting with her. I just wanted to see my little girl-”

Kseniya burst out laughing, arms around her stomach as she almost doubled over. “Your little girl? You gave up any and every connection when you gave her to us! Funny, isn’t it? You thought that giving her to the Survey Corps would keep her safe from the Central Military Police, from Captain Ackermann, only to hand her over to one of his comrades!” She took a moment to catch her breath. “It really was meant to be, especially with that name you gave her. It only amplifies the warrior blood inside her pretty little veins.”

“Even you cling to those beliefs?” Luzia asked condescendingly, a slender eyebrow raised.

Kseniya pointed a finger at her accusingly. “Prove me wrong!” she challenged. “You’re the last full-blooded Saxon, and your blood is the only reason you were chosen to create the Living Weapon. Had Saskia been full-blooded Oriental and a girl she would have been left for dead. But Saxon warrior blood combined with Oriental warrior blood? Male, female, it didn’t matter! No matter what the sex of the child was we were guaranteed a Living Weapon, and you literally gave it to us! Not only that, but her name-!”

“Did you come here to berate me about my daughter?” Though on the verge of losing her temper Luzia knew better than to let it get the better of her, especially when interacting with the volatile underling sitting across from her. The first, and last, time she made that mistake ended in her staring down the barrel of Kseniya’s gun. Despite it having been four years ago she still found herself wondering if the brunette would’ve pulled the trigger had Kenny not been present to yank on the leash of his rabid attack dog.

She broke into a devious smirk. “Oh no, not at all. In fact you should be proud of her. She’s becoming everything she was born to be. She’s fulfilling her role quite nicely. There have been a few hiccups along the way but nothing my superiors couldn’t handle. Kenny wanted me to give you a scolding is all. No need to be so aggressive, dear Luzia. Keith was very explicit in the consequences of your handing her over. Contact is forbidden and she isn’t allowed to know about you or her father.” Wonder what she would do if she knew how Saskia became ambidextruous?

“She will never know about him.” It was more a dubious statement than question. “How can you expect to keep it a secret from her?”

“Whether or not she finds out his identity is left to Maki-san’s discretion.” Kseniya waved a hand dismissively. “Don’t worry your pretty little head over it. She’ll learn what she is sooner or later, and the only way for her to fully understand is to tell her she’s half-Oriental. I wonder how she’ll react…One of our insiders told us that she had immense difficulty moving away from living to kill over to killing to live. Major identity crisis. What will she do when she founds out the only reason she exists is to be the very thing she expelled from herself? Not only that, but both her mother and father being pure-blooded descendents of warrior peoples. She believes that names and date of birth affect personality, you know. When she finds out about hers…I hope I can be there to see the horrified look on her face when she learns everything. Buuuuuuuuuut I may have said too much.” She winked. “Keep it between us girls, hm? If you’ll excuse me, I have other matters to attend to. Oh, and Luzia?” She rose and grabbed her weapon, gripping tightly. “Remember that our base of operations is here in Sina. Every move you make, breath you take, word you stutter…We will know. And if you piss us again you’ll get more than just a scolding and a slap on the wrist.”

“Do you really think threatening my life, after all these years, means anything to me anymore? All I had, my baby, my pride and joy, was taken from me by the very people I was hoping to protect her from. There is nothing more you can do to me. Saskia is too valuable for you to harm her. Go ahead and threaten me, but even though she’s not with me physically knowing that she lives is more than enough. And that’s something you can never take away from me.”

“Hm, suppose not. But you aren’t entirely correct. She could be harmed, just not conventionally. If she were could you say the same thing? If it were, say, your fault?” She flashed a smile that Saskia would envy and waved her fingers in a parting fashion. “Have a lovely rest of the night Luzia.” It may be one of your last. She threw the gun over her shoulder again and left Luzia’s home.

Outside in the dimly lit alleyways members of the Military Police patrolled the streets, almost all of them sporting something to identify them as an ally. Bandages, jewelry, a ‘stain’ on their uniform, or even a smudge of paint on their guns. Kseniya anticipated an encounter with an ally who wouldn’t recognize her. A specific ally, young and very new to the ever growing group she was affiliated with. Her suspicions had been confirmed when she felt the end of a barrel pressed to her back.

“Hands where I can see them!”

“Like my fists in your face?”

Immediately recognizing the voice the rookie dropped her weapon and folded her hands apologetically. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t recognize you, it’s dark and-”

“Enough,” Kseniya groaned and then pointed to her headband. “I might be taller than you, much taller, but I know you can see it. Where is your marker?”

“Well, I wanted to die my hair but instead of the desired color I ended up with this hideous light brown.” She twirled a strand of her short hair around her finger as if to model it.

“Damn rookies,” she muttered under her breath. “You’re too jumpy. If you had shot me, fatal or not, you would be in serious trouble…Probably put to death in front of the rest to make an example. The only chronic mistake maker we can tolerate is Annie.”

“Right, sorry, it won’t happen again, I swear!”

“I would certainly hope not Hitch. For your sake.”

A few blocks over a pair of mahogany eyes watched the exchange before quickly retreating back into the protection of nightfall.

Old Survey Corps Headquarters, Erwin’s Temporary Office, July 13^th, 3:35 AM

Forearm pressed against the cool glass of his window, the Commander’s vacant blue eyes were fixated on the empty courtyard below. His mind however was trapped in a memory almost twenty-years-old. Heavy eyelids closed and inhaling deeply did nothing to push out the visions taunting him, a reminder of how he became wrapped up in the schemes of the enemy.

“You know that we killed your father, don’t you? Was that your reason for joining the military? To learn the truth? Why you found discrepancies in his lessons and the textbooks?”

“Yes. I joined to learn the truth and use that information for the betterment of humanity.”

“That’s noble of you cadet. Lesson number one- never volunteer information. You’re smarter than your father. I can’t fault you for your reasoning but there are…others with far greater interest in that information. Obsession, even.”

“You’re referring to the girl. To Saskia.”

“I am. She’s uncovered the resources we’ve carefully guided her to. Keith said she’s taken quite a liking to you. She admires your spirit. Anything that she takes an interest in, we take an interest in. How about we strike up a bargain?”

“A bargain sir?”

“Already calling me sir, eh? You learn fast boy. After some careful deliberation with our colleagues we’ve come to a reasonable compromise. Will you hear me out?”

“It seems like I don’t have much choice right now.”

“Quick and observant. I like you. It’s very simple. Befriend her. Keep an eye on her. Create a bond the likes of which she’s never had. A familial bond. If you can manage that, to guide her from the shadows just as we have, then Keith has agreed to make you his successor. Monitor her progress. Report to us regularly. I need to know everything about my project and her…growth. I saw to it myself that she was bred for perfection. She knows more than you could begin to fathom. She can grant you access to those truths you seek. And she will be an invaluable ‘weapon’, if you will, in the fight against the Titans. All we ask is that you bolster her.”

“If I were to decline? Would you kill me? You yourself are volunteering quite a bit of information.”

“You’ve known too much for years now. It doesn’t what we tell you at this point. I won’t ask for a yes or no. So ask I’ll you this instead. How dedicated are you to the betterment of humanity?”

“I will fight to protect it no matter what the cost.”

“Then what reason have you to refuse, cadet? Can you rationalize any doubts you might be experiencing right now?”

“I am experiencing them but to rationalize when I lack adequate information…That is something I cannot do. If it will aid in the liberation of the human race then I have no reason to decline. I will do as you request Captain Ackermann, Maki-san.”

The same bizarre grin that graced his features upon seeing Annie’s performance in her Titan form resurfaced. “It’s amazing how quickly time has gone by…”

So lost in thought, a light knock on his door caused him to jump slightly. He was silent for a moment as the grin began to flatten. “Come in Saskia.”

The door opened slowly and the short woman entered, rubbing her hands up and down her bare arms. A subtle summer chill was whipping its way throughout the building, nipping at her exposed skin. “Can we talk?” she asked quietly. I should have grabbed my damn cardigan…

“What about Levi?” Erwin didn’t turn to face her.

“He has woken up a few times and…I doubt he’ll get much sleep tonight. He’s somewhat relaxed and felt comfortable enough to be by himself. If that is what you were referring to. My leaving him alone right now.”

“It is.” He looked over his shoulder. “Now I’m going to ask the question again with a different implication. What about Levi?”

“That’s why I’m here.”

“I know. Is this about the formation again?” he asked with an annoyed sigh, pinching the bridge of his nose.

“Fuck the expedition and fuck the military, the entire institution. I didn’t come here to berate and barrage and demand and argue with my Commander.” She gulped heavily and straightened out her posture. “I came here to talk to my older brother. It’s been too long since I’ve seen him and I miss him. Does he have some time for me?”

“…he does.”

“Let’s just get right to it, then. I know that a relationship within the military is dangerous for countless reasons. And it’s even messier considering the personal and professional relationships the three of us share. But I’m not here to question anyone’s decisions or defend my actions in the context of what I am to the Survey Corps. I came here to minimize the growing tension between you and I. Or, well, to try…at the very least…”

“A conversation six years in the making,” he replied quietly. “It really was inevitable.”

“Maybe. Sure. Let’s say it was. It doesn’t matter. Fact is Levi and I are together and you’re not capable of stopping that. Separate the Lance Corporal and the General all you like, but-”

“No matter what you say I’ll never be able to condone it.” Though his choice of words was harsh he remained awkwardly quiet.

“I’m not asking for your God damned permission. I don’t need it.” She raised an eyebrow. “Is it because it’s Levi?”

“Because it’s you. You and Levi.”

She rolled her eyes. “Still incapable of accepting the fact that I’m an adult?”

“You’ll never be an adult in my eyes. Partially due to the fact that I have to strain them to see you.”

She scrunched her face. “My height? Really? We’re taking that route?”

“You wanted to ease the tension. Humor tends to do the trick.”

“Suppose so. I won’t apologize for the drama that has begun to unfold because of the decisions I made, nor will I apologize for making those decisions. I know that you will never allow yourself to become romantically attached to someone and that’s fine, if that is what you truly wish to do. But I sincerely hope you aren’t imposing the expectations you hold yourself to onto Levi or I.”

“I’m not.”

“Then why? Why go so far? Why mix personal and professional? Why…why do I feel as though my only family is trying to sabotage my own happiness?” Her shoulders dropped and she kicked at the floor. “I feel terrible for throwing such an accusation at you but…it does feel that way. And it really stings, Erwin. It burns.”

“You know I would never deliberately do something like that,” he assured.

“There’s a difference between knowing and feeling.”

“You and your catch phrases…” His head dropped and he shook it out of slight amusement. “Your happiness and well-being are important to me. They always have been. And yes, it is difficult to balance these multiple roles we are obligated to fulfill. I’m confident I don’t need to explain what I expect from the secondary and tertiary; you know well enough by now. And I’m sure the two of you have already discussed the possibilities of personal and professional overlapping, and how to address such concerns. I will leave all of that to the two of you. Your professional relationship is your own responsibility. Hell, you were once my superior officer. I don’t think I could tell you how to do your job even if I tried. As far as personal goes…What right have I to intervene? That won’t stop me from being concerned and I won’t hide the fact that the thought of separation has crossed my mind. Knowing that you're sharing a room, a bed is…very unsettling. These ‘sleepovers’ are only going to continue. Granted this time it’s different because he’s mourning the loss of his squad and there isn’t a soul alive that Levi would ever dare shed a tear in front of other than you. I still find it funny considering what his intentions were when he came here.” When Captain Ackermann convinced Nicholas Lobov to approach him with a deal about the papers.

“No comment about how you’ll beat him mercilessly if he breaks my heart?” She tilted her head to the side.

“Would you like me to?” he joked. “I like to think he knows better. And if I could bring myself to trust him not to harm you six years ago, when you began working together, well, there was a reason you managed to work well together despite all the fighting. Then you continued working together on damn near everything. And this is the result. Something went right, perhaps a little too right for my liking, along the way. He’s one of the few people I can confidently say I trust with my life. I know I could trust him with yours as well. But trusting him with your state of being alive and your life itself are completely different and not something I can say I’m prepared for. I know your ears are well-trained but I doubt you can hear through the floors. How did you know that I was still awake?” He raised an eyebrow curiously.

Only when I’m below Hanji’s office can do that, and God how I wish I couldn’t… Fighting a disgusted shudder she shrugged. “I doubt many are able to sleep tonight. Most will have nightmares. And while it may seem that our collective nightmare is only beginning…I know that in the end we will be okay.”

‘We’? I wouldn’t be so certain of that. “You have today and tomorrow to convince everyone else of that.”

“It’s going to take more than words to convince them, Erwin. It will require action and unfortunately that’s not something I alone can deliver nor is it something available to us until we enter Sina.”

He gave a soft hum of agreement. “You should attempt sleep. I know it’s not something you excel at-”

She arched her eyebrows. “You don’t think that in the end everything will…?” Surprise squelched her vocabulary. “You don’t seem…confident that we even have a chance.”

“It’s three in the damn morning. I don’t know what to think right now.”

“Then don’t. Just believe me when I say we will be. I wouldn’t say it if I didn’t mean it now would I?”

“No.” The time has finally come. Don’t let my efforts go to waste. “No you wouldn’t. Saskia, I…am glad that you’re happy. After having been robbed of your childhood and forced to suppress your emotions for almost thirty years you certainly deserve it.” With mildly ominous delivery he added, “But remember that nothing comes without a cost.”

“Survey Corps paychecks are meager compared to the Garrison and MP but I’m sure I’ll manage,” she grinned. “My younger self couldn’t say the same because her faith was blind, but I have faith in my Commander. Even if he irritates me sometimes. I might not fully understand your thought process but there was a reason I strongly held to my belief that you would someday bear the title of Commander. I was right about that, wasn’t I? You earned it. You’re capable of seeing us through this crisis before it escalates. I can set my personal discomfort and ideology aside for this and for you.”

Earned it? Not in the way you would think. “You give me too much credit.”

“You sound like me,” she chuckled. “You did all that you could have done with what little you knew. Honestly, I feel guilty some for not remembering her scream.”

“But there’s a difference between knowing and feeling, isn’t there?”

“And now I feel guilty for neglecting that fact,” she conceded. “Despite it being one of my ‘catchphrases’.”

“You honestly believe that there’s hope for us, even now.”

“I believe in the risk we’re taking. That’s why I know there’s hope for us. This is the Survey Corps, after all. Considering our lackluster history, the one I to this day still see as an inside joke, I see this as par for the course and what we do best. The Survey Corps has survived this long, hasn’t it? Reputation aside let’s also remember that it was founded by radical anarchists who wanted a society that was for the people, by the people. The founders didn’t want humanity to be protected by an institution that is, as Levi elegantly phrased it, ‘sucking the monarchy’s dick’ such as the Military Police. Which he also said may very well be their job. I can’t speak for you but I don’t like the idea of the Whore of the State being my ‘protection’. And this time it’s personal. For all of us. They might intend to kill one who is not only a key player in our exhausting game of survival, they may be planning to kill one of our own. A child at that. No one is coming anywhere near Eren, not so long as I’m around to intervene. It’s impossible not to mix personal with professional in this situation, especially if their reasons for wanting to neutralize him are personal.”

“You think so?”

“They expect us to hand him over without giving us a chance to present our case first? Levi was right about the court martial. The Military Police didn’t get their way and now they’re whining. And since they ‘suck the monarchy’s dick’ they’ll be heard. The monarchy has never liked us and we’ve never liked them or their armed watchdogs. This is politics and politics is inherently corrupt.”

“The Survey Corps has seen its fair share of corruption,” he reminded pointedly. And the unseen corruption…The corruption you’ll encounter soon enough.

“Subject changed rather quickly…Exactly what the hell is keeping you up right now? I can’t think of a time I’ve your confidence so…shattered?” Her lips curved to the side in uncertainty, unable to find a better word for the aura he radiated.

“Fragile,” he corrected. “Not broken, but easily if provoked further.”

“We still have all of today and tomorrow to mend it some, but you’ll be of little use if you haven’t slept at all.”

“You are the last person who should be scolding me for not sleeping enough,” he laughed softly.

“That doesn’t mean I am not correct,” she countered. “And my ability to function on little to no sleep far surpasses yours. Oh, I see now! This is why you aren’t overreacting and being overprotective of me. You’re too tired to think straight but once you have slept enough you’re probably going…to…maul him. That’s…great. That’s just great. I take back what I said about you getting sleep, you’re fine as is-”

“Saskia, I’m not going to maul him or be overprotective.”

“Now, now. You’re only saying that because you’re sleep deprived.”

“Do you want me to?”

“…well it would certainly alleviate this feeling of mine, as though we’ve become distanced from each other.” She rubbed the back of her neck. “Ever since Eren’s trial we haven’t seen much of each other outside a professional context.”

“More time with him though.”

“Well yes, obviously, but- Wait, wait a minute. That’s not the ‘cost’ you were referring to, is it? The cost of my happiness? Having to…pick between the two of you?”

“What? No, no I…wasn’t implying that you would be in a position to pick one over the other. Not that I enjoy dwelling on the topic but to sate my masochistic curiosity I must know, why did it take six fucking years?” he asked placing great emphasis on his last three words.

“Mutual idiocy!” she declared almost proudly. “One of the many things we have in common. Clearly part of the overwhelming compatibility,” she added with light-hearted sarcasm.

“Clearly,” he echoed. “What changed?”

“Nothing has changed, we’re still idiots,” she said casually and then her eyes lit up. “Oh, you mean why we’re now…Oh. Um…I don’t really know. It escalated at an alarming pace…” She rubbed her chin. “There was a lot of yelling at each other…I recall having a very strong desire to punch him regularly…”

“Sounds healthy. Were you…the ‘threat in the equation’?”

She almost burst out laughing as she slowly recalled the very awkward conversation they had about Levi the day after he joined the Survey Corps, a conversation Erwin directly quoted. “That is a very good question. Who was the ‘threat in the equation’? I don’t even know.” She held out her palms and moved them up and down emulating a scale trying to balance itself. “It teeter-tottered in my favor just as much his…We both were, in our own ways.”

“I won’t press further. That’s something I most certainly don’t want to know about.”

“Then I will say no more, for the sake of your sanity.”

“I’ll be honest though, I do envy Levi. Having someone to turn to in moments like this-”

“Don’t make me come over there and scissor kick you,” she threatened with narrowed eyes. “My intentions for coming here did not revolve around my situation. It was because of our situation. You have no significant other by choice but you do have me. This new dimension to my relationship with Levi has by no means altered our relationship. At least, I hope it hasn’t. I am still here for you as well. I’ve been more vocal about it with Levi because I always felt that he needed to be reminded he had someone, because of his horrendous past. I always believed that the strength of our bond went without saying.”

Your naivety is alarming. “He needs you more.”

“That doesn’t mean you need me any less. And I most certainly still need you. As I said previously…I miss you. I miss the time we spent together, the things that define us as brother and sister. You sound like a father, insecure about his daughter dating for fear of being replaced. But you, Erwin, are irreplaceable.”

Attachments are dangerous…Don’t lose your focus. “While you’re here I should tell you that I want to revoke the permission I granted you.”

“To follow Eren? This, this is what I was talking about. History has shown we’re wicked collaborators. I no longer think that to be the best course of action either. Pun not intended. I’d wager to say that you and I, we are thinking the same thing in regards to how we should approach it.”

“I’d wager to say you’re probably right. We’ll find out later while fleshing out the plan further.”

“It’s a date.” She clapped her hands together. “One quick suggestion before I attempt to retire. While Eren is elsewhere trying to apprehend Annie Leonhardt…we’ll need someone to pose as a double for him. And Levi is still annoyed with Jean for that prank he pulled before we went on the expedition, when he was brave enough to replace his bleach with honey…He wants to see his punishment extended further…” Her voice trailed off as she waited for the wheels to start turning.

“…you want to force him to dress up as Eren for the sake of Levi’s amusement?” He dropped his face into his palm mouthing out ‘Are you fucking serious?’.

“No, no, it’s an extension of punishment, honestly! One which…I may have jokingly suggested…to try and make him feel better…and he is now hoping I can convince you to-”

“We’ll discuss it further later today.”

“Sleep on it?” She forced a pout. “I’ll ask for nothing come the holiday season if you promise to at least consider it. Should that happen, it would satisfy seven Christmases.”

Will I live long enough to see another Christmas with you? Might as well give you your gift now. “I’ll sleep on it.”

“Wonderful. This is sure to put a much needed smile on his face,” she beamed. “Speaking of, I should go back now. Make sure he’s still alright. He’s trying very hard to pull himself together but-”

“Then what are you waiting for? A formal invitation?” He nodded towards the door.

“Hug first.”

Make it harder for me why don’t you. “Alright, come here co-conspirator.”

Levi and Saskia’s Bedroom

Saskia,

Yeah, words aren’t my forte, whatever. But I suck less at writing them than I do saying them. I did already answer the question…sort of, but every sentence began with ‘I hate’. Obviously I don’t hate you, you just annoy the shit out of me sometimes. Other times I want to throw you out a window. And on rare occasions I want to throw you off the roof. But I never could bring myself to do that; blood only looks good on you when it’s the blood of your enemies. Shit this is terrible. I’ll just get to the point. Why you? I don’t know, you figure it out. You’re the one who wants to know and you know me well enough to come up with something. That’s the most you’re getting out of me…for now. I love you, dumbass.

-Levi

PS- You have my autograph again. Congratulations. But I’m still not drawing a fucking smiley face. <3 There, look, I drew a heart just for you because you like sappy shit. Happy? Tell anyone and you’re dead to me. Show anyone and you’re dead.

Saskia glanced back and forth between the neatly folded note she found on the bedside table and the one who wrote it, sleeping peacefully on the(twice made in her absence) bed. She giggled breathily, trying to remain as quiet as possible to keep from waking him. Looking down at the note she murmured, “You do have a way with words…A vulgar, noneloquent, colorful way with words. I wonder what Hanji would say if-”

“I will murder you.”